#capitalism
#cinema
#controlsocieties
#neoliberalism
#british
GLEN
So this new word, Citizenship, did anyone actually outline what it entails?
OLLIE
Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he was going along, and I think we were very lucky that citizenship was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise, we could have ended up being the department for social affairs and woodland folk.
OLLIE
The problem is though, Hugh, there has been a kind of rush, with you not in place, with every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn’t want. It’s been like someone has been driving a lorry down Whitehall shouting “bring out your shit”, and they have, and it's ended up at our door.
HUGH
So, what are we getting?
OLLIE
Citizenship basically involves, err, cutting pensions to the gurkhas, rejigging the protocols for rabies outbreaks, some crap from health about long term health for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about.
GLEN
And they want you to deal with the Isle of Man.
HUGH
Great. Just what I fucking need, five new ways to lose my job.
MALCOLM TUCKER
Is that your chair?
NICOLA MURRAY
Haha yeah, it’s cool isn’t it? It’s got lumbar support. [Glen left the chair in Nicola’s Office by accident]
MALCOLM TUCKER
Bin it.
NICOLA MURRAY
What?
MALCOLM TUCKER
People don’t like their politicians to be comfortable, they don’t want you to have expensive, they don’t like you being paid, they’d rather you lived in a fucking car.
NICOLA MURRAY
So what should I sit on then, an upturned KFC bucket?
MALCOLM TUCKER
A fucking normal chair, not a massive vibrating throne… And what about your kids? What ages are they?
NICOLA MURRAY
16, 11, 9, and 5
MALCOLM TUCKER
11? So that’s Secondary school?
NICOLA MURRAY
No, she is still in Primary.
MALCOLM TUCKER
So she will be going to secondary school in September?
NICOLA MURRAY
Yeah, I can see where this is going: it’s not an issue
MALCOLM TUCKER
Great if it’s not an issue I’ll just toddle off then.
NICOLA MURRAY
She is not going to a comprehensive [Public] school, Malcolm, she is going to a local independent school.
MALCOLM TUCKER
Jesus H fucking.. Do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You’re saying that all your local state schools, all the schools that this government has drastically improved as knife-addled rape sheds? And that’s not a big story? Of fuck sake. Sort it, or abort it!
NICOLA MURRAY
Let’s get this clear, my family is off limits, alright? This job is not getting anywhere near my husband and kids.
MALCOLM TUCKER
Of course it fucking does, as per the wee bar code and the serial number under your armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight every day darling. You are now being scrutinized for what you wear and what you say, your hair, your shoes, your fucking cleavage, and your dress, which by the way is way too loud. Look, your crooked husband I can make go away, but your crooked husband combined with you worrying about your underaged daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I can not. She goes to the comprehensive, okay?
GOOLDING INQUIRY
There is no need to be so flippant about this inquiry
MALCOLM TUCKER
Well, it’s just that you keep asking me the same questions, I can’t really help it if you don’t like the answers.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
So maybe you could try a little harder in answering; I’m amazed you’ve stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.
MALCOLM TUCKER
Well, maybe it’s my age; good to see you back by the way.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
Thank you, nice to see you too. At your last appearance you admitted that you have leaked information, is that correct?
MALCOLM TUCKER
Well, everyone leaks, many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, they have just lied to you about it
GOOLDING INQUIRY
Mr. Tucker! That is an incredibly serious charge, do you have any evidence to substantiate those allegations?
MALCOLM TUCKER
Well, forgive me if I don’t do your job for you, because if you can’t spot a sprayed-on halo, or someone giving a “what, me?” pantomime act, then maybe you shouldn’t be sitting behind that desk.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel’s NHS number and national insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
MALCOLM TUCKER
Yes, I have.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
And could you tell us anymore?
MALCOLM TUCKER
No.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
You’ve got no recollection at all?
MALCOLM TUCKER
No, and by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you have been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you’ve been a victim of the very crime you are accusing me of. You are prejudiced, and this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
I can see what you’re doing, and it smacks of desperation and it will not work.
MALCOLM TUCKER
Does it? No, listen, there you go again, that’s you rushing to judgment, you are totally discredited here.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in criminal prosecution.
MALCOLM TUCKER
I’m sorry, please do not insult my intelligence by acting as if you’re all so naive that you don’t know how all this works. Everyone in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don’t get in this room without bending the rules; you don’t get to where you are without bending the rules, that’s the way it is.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question: How did you acquire Mr. Tickel’s NHS number and his National Insurance number?
MALCOLM TUCKER
Who said I acquired it?
GOOLDING INQUIRY
A Photograph.
MALCOLM TUCKER
No no, the photograph shows me holding it, it doesn’t show me acquiring it. You’d have to ask the person who gave me the folder.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
Who gave you the folder?
MALCOLM TUCKER
I don’t remember.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
You are being deliberately evasive.
MALCOLM TUCKER
*exhales with incredulous cynicism * I.. I don’t… recall, you know, I don’t know, I cannot remember.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
Very well, regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel’s mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
MALCOLM TUCKER
I can’t recall.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
So… that’s not a denial?
MALCOLM TUCKER
I should remember really, huh?
GOOLDING INQUIRY
Well, if you can’t recall, that leaves open the possibility that you did leak them.
MALCOLM TUCKER
Let me tell you this, the whole planet’s leaking, everyone is leaking, you know, everyone is spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status, and their photos of their vijazzles. We’ve come to a point where there are people, millions of people who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television, and to show people their knickers, and to show people their skid marks, and then complain to OK magazine about a breach of privacy.
The exchange of private information, that is what drives our economy, but you come after me because you can’t arrest a landmass, can you? You can’t cuff a country, you might as well just go and lynch that [random] guy there. But you decide you can sit there and judge and ogle me like a page-3 girl; you don’t like it? Well you don’t like yourselves. You don’t like your species, and you know what? Neither do I. But how dare you come and lay this at my door? How dare you blame me, for this… which is the result of a political class which has given up on morality, and simply pursues popularity at all costs.
I am you, and you are me.
GOOLDING INQUIRY
Are you finished?
MALCOLM TUCKER
I’m not finished, you didn’t finish me.